Competition

First Prize

Inebriated
by Joni Bartlett
Bremer State High School, Ipswich, Qld

Forgive me father for I have sinned
I dragged the blade across my skin.
I promised you once I'd stop causing pain.
I promised myself, but I've done it again...

I'm ready for so many peoples' judgemental stares,
'Cause it's the looks of my loved ones from which I'm most scared.
I can't face the betrayed look that burns in your eyes when you see,
But I can't face the thought of a life either where I can't cut myself free.

I miss my dad and I miss my best friend.
I wish there was no reason why I shouldn't make it end.
I hate my stupid messed up mind and how it decided to go and get sad.
I'm not a sad person, that's not who I am, so what happened to make it so bad?

I guess I brought it upon myself though: this whole big mess,
And don't worry Daniel, you're not the reason I'm "depressed".
What a stupid word, depressed, what dead loser made up that name?
A better adjective would be "Inebriated: Intoxicated with an addiction to pain".

But I'm getting off the track here, this is supposed to be an apology.
So enough of my dribbling and stupid smartarse-analogies.
And on to the excuses and explaining and the sorrow,
And the hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, some distant tomorrow.

So sorry to everyone I know who's been affected by this crazy ordeal,
And for being expected to know exactly how this all feels:
To Marie, for making mine visible, when other peoples' are so well disguised,
To Holly for exposing you to what should never be seen by a little girl's eyes.

To Marcus for making you think I was turning into demons from your past,
To Emily that you were the first to see, but still was pushed to last.
To Patty for making things awkward, when we were on the train,
To Courtney for making you listen to hours and hours of worded pain.

To Andy for dragging you into my lie, making you promise not to tell,
To Jacky for letting you blame yourself and making the last of your time here a hell.
To Daniel for all the fights and tears and for being a terrible friend,
To Tori Midori for making you paranoid, about which slice will be my end.

To Kyah for making you deal with me, the night I ran away,
And to Shayle that you had to pick me up, covered in blood, from school, that awful day.
To Dave for assuming it doesn’t hurt you just because I can't read what you think,
And my art teacher for leaving that dirty paint palette in the sink.

And the apology that's the hardest, but I guess the most important one.
Sorry to my family: To dad and Chris and mum.
Sorry for giving you the one thing you cannot for protect me from,
'Cause that thing is me, and sorry that I went about everything wrong.

Remember the old story of the lil' train who was all up in the pants?
Well I THINK I CAN make things better, but I KNOW I need the chance.
So there's my little story, if you didn't buy it, well, don't worry,
Cause at the end of the day I'll still be Joni: Inebriated... but sorry.