Competition

Third Prize

The English Class
by Noel Stallard

"Now class today in English we will study...... Jones sit down,
you might think life's a circus but don't aim to be its clown.
And Braithwhitle if I've said once, I've said until I'm blind,
pull up your socks, tuck in your shirt, stop scratching your behind.

Now like I said this English class will, ......What's the matter Jill?"
"Tom's pinching me beneath the desk and Kate said I'm a dill.
Bill's scratching head lice onto me and someone stole my ants;
I think my pet snake has escaped; now Jenny's peed her pants."

"Stop smirking Smith, and Jones sit down, have homework on the desk,
Now where's yours Brown? Wipe off that frown, your not that picturesque.
"I couldn't do me homework sir, me grandma died last night."
"Well that's the sixth grandma that's died according to your sight."

"And Brown explain why on your desk graffiti does abound.
You wrote, "Me teacher are a fink". Your grammar is unsound."
"I know that sir, sometimes your slow, that's what I tried to say,
me grammar's so unsound she died, I told you that today."

Stop laughing class, sit straight, fold arms and watch work on the board,
For I'll go through it, so watch close and don't say that you're bored."
"Can he do go through the blackboard?", whispered Jones and gave a flinch.
"He goes through us", said Stinky Brown, "the board should be a cinch."

"Your yawn is like a vacuum Young, and could suck Smith inside,
and that would be the first thing Young you've took in for a while.
That nose you've got's for breathing air and not where fingers fit,
and A,E,I,O,U are not bowel sounds you might emit.

Explain young Clark why you are late." "Well sir it's all be-coz
you said we had to find out where the Queensland border was.
And at our house, as you well know, so many borders come.
I'm late because the Queensland one is still in bed with mum"

"Be quiet class, now watch this way, there's things I must get done.
This class is meant for English and you mob have made it fun.
I'd hoped to teach you Prepositions in this class today,
but all your interruptions have prevented me a say.

"I've been prepositioned" , interjected buxom Jill.
"It happened at King's Cross outside the Golden Daffodil".
"I think that's propositioned', whispered Sir with shake of head.
"It didn't seem too proper, what positions that man said."

Now there's the bell and once again no English has been taught,
go out to lunch at least out there you'll have no need for thought.
But as they left JiII said to Jones, "We've done it once again.
We've sunk his English class nine times. Let's aim to make it ten".