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My Dad was a Volvo Driver
by Reeve McLennan

When I was young and in my teens
And battling on in school.
At one point I had gotten
Somewhere close to being cool.

What other people think of you,
I now know doesn't matter.
But when you're young you really want
To climb the social ladder.

And when at last it finally seemed
That I was rising up.
The old man went and did something
That stuffed the whole thing up!

Now Dad, he was a busy man,
And oft inclined to roam.
But one day when he made it back
He'd brought us something home.

Was it a dog, a bike, a cat?
A broom, a tin of solvol?
No, much worse than all of that,
He'd gone and bought a Volvo!

Dad's had a simpler choice back then
They couldn't get it wrong.
He could have got us Twister,
Or Pacman or Donkey Kong.

It could have been a Rubix cube,
A Beta VCR.
But no, he had to go and buy
The world's most daggy car!

But there were other features that
Were adding to our rage.
Was it scarlet red, metallic blue?
Oh no. He's chosen beige!

Kids can say some real mean things
(Though I never gave two hoots.
Anytime I heard them say
"Your mum wears army boots!")

But it really used to cut me deep,
And I wish I had a fiver.
For every time some kid yelled out,
"Your Dad's a Volvo driver!'

And Dad would say, "now listen here,
Before you have a tizz.
I'll have you know that Volvos
Are the safest car there is."

The car's collision numbers, yes it's true
May have no peer.
But that's only 'cause the other cars
All know to stay well clear.

And Dad would say it's comfy,
And there's more leg room inside.
But that only served us kids by
Giving us more room to hide.

(We would have been in trouble
If we'd had a head on smash.
'Cause the person riding shotgun
Always hid under the dash).

At Christmas people asked us
Where to buy Dad's present at.
We'd tell them, "get him anything
Just don't buy him a hat!"

And we were waiting for the day,
We'd see Dad toss a coin.
So he could finally decide
Which bowls club he would join.

At least we soon got fit from
Trying not to look a dork.
For whenever Dad offered a lift
We all would choose to walk.

But now that many years have gone,
I find Dad's changed a lot.
Amongst many things, the Volvo's
Something he's no longer got.

For now he's got a three wheeled trike,
It's big and mean and black.
It's even got a special seat
For Mum to ride up back.

Both head to toe in leather,
Black as the ace of spades.
They've got the helmets and the boots
They've even got the shades.

And every time they take it out
Folk turn to me and say.
"Isn't that your Mum and Dad?
Struth! How cool are they?"

So, Dad, we're glad you're happy now,
But one issue does survive.
Why couldn't your mid life crisis
Start in 1985?!