by Brenda Joy
Charters Towers, Qld
I live out west of Jul'ya Creek where life is hard and tough;
to ride a horse or rope a steer - I'm ready right enough,
but once me son went off to live in regions tramontane,
that meant to go and visit him, I'd have to catch a plane.
I felt some trepidation 'cos I'd never flown before –
and never would've tried to if I'd known what was in store.
To get meself to Townsville city took a bloomin' week –
I'd borrowed the one horse that's left in outback Jul'ya Creek.
Shenanigans in city traffic put me in a state,
so I had Port and Valium outside the boardin' gate.
But there I met me waterloo - pre-flight security —
where screens and weird machines all ganged to test me purity.
At first these slickers griped about me poor old dilly bag.
I'd read about them weeds they'd planted in some sheila's swag;
to stop them gettin' in to mine I'd bound it up with wires
but blighters hacked into them with some heavy duty pliers.
They sent me past X-ray and that is when I lost me cool –
its beep proclaimed me lethal; I was made to feel a fool.
They called me back and asked me to remove me watch and rings,
me buckles, brasses, belts, and bits and other metal things.
Bereft of all adorning charms, they sent me through once more,
but that insistent screen machine was louder than before.
No matter what I cast aside it seemed to be in vain;
me knives, me spurs, me brandin' iron; I set it off again.
By now I'd beeped so many times that I had drawn a crowd
all anxious and impatient and becoming somewhat loud.
They feared that they would miss their flight - me plight had caused delay –
they couldn't get through checkout with me saddle in their way.
They called the Chief Controller in to see what he would do.
I got the full 'once over' whilst he struggled for a clue.
He eyed me body closely plannin' what he could exclude –
solutions posed were tough and his suggestions rather rude.
Perhaps the beep was caused from the elastic in me drawers?
I yanked that out - me pants dropped off - and I got loud applause.
Perhaps the under-wirin' in me bra should go as well!
Reluctantly I pulled it out - then down me 'boosies' fell.
But now me naked midriff had revealed a naval ring!
The Chief Controller was convinced the beep was from that thing.
He thought it best to take it out - the watchin' crowd approved –
so with those cable cutters, it was surgic'lly removed.
Delighted at his crude success, he tackled both me ears
removin' studs. By now I was a mess of blood and tears.
He sliced me lip-ring with his saw; me nasal one as well –
I felt like I'd encountered the Controller straight from hell.
He finally concluded that the cause was in me knees
- they both had been refurbished - but, at length he heard me pleas
to save them from his sawing blade - with sneers he let me past:
though minus half of me façade I could take off at last.
But then the vampire keen to do her terroristic check
was set on singlin' poor me out - by this I was a wreck.
Although exposed explosives would have blown to hell by now,
that scrutiny was not enough for this tenacious cow.
And plus, her massive, nosy dog was sniffin' round me feet
and pokin' in me dilly bag in search of stuff to eat.
I reckon they should feed their pets, not make them have to beg –
“I’ll charge ya for me laundry if he starts ta cock 'is leg. "
Embarrassed, mutilated, with me dignity near gone
I'd reached the point, 'Enough's Enoughl' This could not carry on.
I found some extra courage - Valium had kicked on in –
the shrinkin' vi'let she had gone; retorts could now begin.
They'd run me roughshod over; I'd been treated with disdain,
but spurred by drug and drink I felt me spirit take free-rein.
Rebellion inflamed me soul- I’d nothin' left to hide –
if further proof were needed, then I'd brazen it with pride.
She wanted to inspect me all- well I'd just let it rip;
to keep this bovine satisfied, I would completely strip.
I tore off all remaining garments - flung them on the floor,
and in that crowded airport lounge, I stood there in the raw.
As youngsters gaped - they'd never seen someone so old undressed –
the fed'ral police arrived to put me under house arrest.
I mustered me resources, thumbed me nose at passers-by;
they dragged me naked body out; I held me head up high.
They took me to a lock-up where they kept me overnight
I caught a cold, became a crim., and missed me maiden flight.
That Townsville mob had bucked me off, but I made them aware –
a bushie pushed to limits will find something to declare.